Them versus Me – taking on the university
24 Jul 2010 Leave a Comment
My mission: Visit the university’s catalog and edit a few sentences out of it in accordance with our reading of Style Towards Clarity and Grace by Joseph Williams.
Them:
Eastern Michigan University is open to students who have the potential to succeed academically as determined by a review of official high school records and/or college records. Admission to the University is based on a combination of factors including, but not limited to, the review of high school or college grade point average, high school or college curriculum and scores on standardized tests.
Me:
All interested students may apply to Eastern Michigan University. Admission to the University is based on a combination of factors. Some of the factors used in the admission process include: high school grade point average, previous course work, and test scores.
Why I did what I did:
The word choice in the original paragraph was very repetitive. The repetition seems to bog the sentences and down and the point becomes lost. The first sentence introduces the cause of the paragraph pretty clearly: there is a process for admission that involves the review of academic records. The lengthy sentence following the introductory sentence shifts the importance away from the main point towards the variety of factors that goes into the process. While important, the focus should be the point that there is a review admissions process.
I also simplified some of the wording. I wasn’t sure what “students who have the potential to succeed academically” meant according to the university. I have an understanding of what that means, but that is more subjective than quantifiable.
As an educator, I found it interesting that the university spent time to purposely mention the high school curriculum. I know how much time teachers spend about their curriculum; I’m sure high schools should concern themselves with the actual content.
